Have you ever struggled with difficult people and situations?
We’re sharing insights to help create more healthy boundaries to prioritize a peaceful lifestyle in both your inner world and the world around you.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are to protect you and those around you by clearly defining how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and how you let others treat you. Setting boundaries is essential to your well-being as food, water, and sleep are to your body. They are the most profound act of self-care there is—a kind of roadmap to navigate life to honor your being and protect your energy. Boundaries are never out of vengeful anger or manipulation to change someone or acquire something. The absence of boundaries is just letting anyone treat you anyway, including yourself. Trust your intuition by slowing down and tuning in. A good indication that your boundaries can use some work is when you find yourself living with anger, resentment, and hurt. Pay attention to what you’re feeling. What is your gut telling you? If it feels wrong, make a change.
Start With Yourself
You must establish a healthy relationship with yourself before you are capable of recognizing healthy behaviors in other relationships. I have learned through much practice that life is more peaceful when I am conscious of where I end, and others begin. As I near my 30’s, I have begun to glimpse the healthy side of boundaries, the side where I gift myself grace and acceptance. Especially on the days, I can’t seem to find it in this world. The side where you know even when people hurt you deeply, it wasn’t personal. Humans' actions are 100% a reflection of who they are as a person, and no matter how much it hurts you, it was never about you. As I have come to accept this reality, I have been able to unload so much that never belonged to me. And let me tell you, it feels incredible.
Setting boundaries with yourself means getting familiar with the way you speak to yourself in your head, prioritizing your time, what your focus is, and allowing yourself the same kindness you readily share with the world. We judge ourselves so harshly, especially as women— to the point of sickness, eating disorders, surgery, anxiety, depression, and the ultimate rejection— suicide. I genuinely believe the standard of beauty is just one more made-up set of guidelines to torture womenkind. At some point, shouldn’t we consider it’s time to quit playing the judge and accept ourselves? I love this quote by Mary Lambert “You cannot love what your body turns into until you can love what your body is now.”
Cultivating love starts in your mind. Take time to reflect with grace; it’s not always the other person, sometimes we need to take a good hard look in the mirror to evaluate if, by chance, we could be displaying some toxic traits of our own. Sometimes kindness is respecting someone's wishes for space. Everyone has an ego, and it’s important to check it regularly. It’s good and healthy to feel loving and confident about yourself, but when you begin to feel or speak as if you are above another person, your ego is at large, and it's time to checkmate that B. No one is above you, and no one is below you.
Where To Begin
-> Understand why you need the boundary
-> This is your motivation for setting the limit
-> Get really clear with yourself about the limit you need to establish and clearly communicate those expectations.
When you’re clear with that needs to be done, the real test begins. I love this quote by Shannon L. Alder— “The only real conflict you will ever have in your life won’t be with others, but with yourself.”
With Others
Having healthy, clear, and confident boundaries will help you respond instead of reacting in situations that arise. The kindest and most rewarding approach is to be direct. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It is much easier to remain calm and kind in the face of confrontation when you release the need to be “right” or understood. Communication is more than words, its tone, body language, style, and perspective. Hearing people out can help you better understand what they’re actually trying to say.
Many times people who benefited from your unhealthy boundaries will balk at the sound of your new guidelines and found confidence. Those people oftentimes were unfairly benefiting from your kindness; it was not mutual. Realizing relationships aren't serving you is the first step towards changing them. Relationships, personal and professional, require an even exchange of energy. Not all the time, as life ebbs and flows, but certainly over time, mutual effort should be given. One person cannot continually take more than the other, or someone is suffering unfairly. When this happens, it’s time to revaluate your boundaries. Sometimes you’re a parent or caregiver, and you are forced to give more than you take. You must remember this is only for a season, and even you must give yourself rest.
When dealing with someone who repeatedly violates your boundaries, it's time to identify your choices, choose the best option while respecting yourself, and trusting your instincts. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Sometimes setting boundaries and healthy guidelines will result in losing relationships; some may even surprise you. When you release expectations of wanting to be liked, you may just find out who actually cared about you all along.
A wise woman once said, “The opposite of belonging is fitting in.” -Brene Brown
If you enjoyed this in-depth post, have questions, or have an idea for a topic you think we should cover-- send us a message or submit a comment below.
Some great books and resources that have offered reliable guidance over the years as I have navigated difficult situations have been:
The Four Agreements
Heart Talk
Photo by Imani Bahati